Your Company’s Post-Pandemic Work Plan, Explained
Hello [Employee Name]!
At [Company Name], we’ve enjoyed saving money this past year on electricity, cafeteria food, and sexual harassment lawsuits. But we miss seeing you all at your desks, and walking about town on the weekends wearing your company billboards (a.k.a. t-shirts). It pains us, like a parent saying goodbye to their child, to see you filling your days with dance classes, baking experiments, and childcare, all during hours when we are paying you to work.
Not that we don’t support that! We love that you’re finding new balance in your flexible schedules, and gaining meaning by perfecting your sourdough crust.
But as they say, we should work to live and live to work. That’s why we’ve developed a comprehensive, post-pandemic program that maximizes employee choice.
There are three options for employees to choose from: Hybrid Basic, Hybrid Premium, and Hybrid Plus Plus.
HYBRID BASIC is perfect for the employee who rarely wants to see their co-workers.
Under this plan, you only need to be present in the office 28% of the year. In order for us to plan desk allocation, you will need to submit your on-site days one year in advance, and must commit to being present on our CEO’s birthday (for which it would be nice, though not required for you to bring a gift). In addition, your salary will be deducted 2% to contribute to the development of automatic muting and video-off features for when you choose to join meetings from the bathroom.
You will be expected to follow “Collaboration Hours,” which begin at 9 a.m. Eastern and end at 9 p.m. Pacific, and reflect the hours when you will be expected to be online and available to your co-workers. Because we won’t know your physical whereabouts, our Collaboration Hours framework ensures that you will always be online and available, and that we’re able to retain the “always on, always a team” spirit that we’ve long cultivated here at Headquarters.
As for the remaining 72% of the year, we want to support your remote experience to the fullest. That’s why we’ve set up co-working spaces in case you crave human contact or need basic IT support. Starting next month, hot desks will be ready for you in Wadi Halfa, Sudan; Dallol…