Why Sending Us Back to the Office Is Anti-Feminist
Dear Mr. Corporate CEO,
It’s me, Suzie. We met that one time when you spilled your coffee, and I cleaned it up.
Oh, you don’t remember me? I had the desk next to the woman you used to hit on and behind the cubicle for the other woman you used to hit on. Hopefully, that helps narrow it down.
How are you? I assume quite well, given the recent Forbes article that said you were one of eleven billionaires who didn’t pay any federal taxes last year. That’s such a dirtbag thing to do that it’s almost kind of… sexy. I mean, I know most of your employees are barely scraping by on meager salaries. But I’ve always liked a bad boy. (Damnit, Suzie, you’re a feminist. GET IT TOGETHER.)
I got your memo telling employees to be back in the office in two weeks, and I have some thoughts. My theory is that the option to work from home is the best thing to happen to women since Noah Centineo showed up on our screen in the To All The Boys I’ve Loved movies. (What? I watch it with my daughter.) Are you not following? Oh, that’s right, I forgot — our lives are a bit different. You have a stay-at-home wife, a nanny, a chauffeur, and a private chef from Barcelona. I have none of those things, but I DO have a husband who likes to say “mamacita” when I get out of the shower when he wants to get some.
Back to my thesis: that working from home saves women time and money. I know you’re a numbers guy, so let me spell it out for you that way:
The average woman spends over $300,000 during her lifetime just on makeup and face products. We spend $55,000 on haircare. Twenty-five thousand dollars more on shoes, including those dreadful high heels that the patriarchy insists we must wear to be ‘professional’ and ‘taken seriously’. A whopping $125,000 on clothing. Thousands more for manicures. That adds up to over $500,000 on our appearance. And studies show that during the pandemic, most women only spent about 1/6th of what they would normally spend on these items. Plus, there’s the issue of transportation costs and the thousands of dollars we spend every year on car payments, car maintenance and insurance, let alone the exorbitant costs to replace all…